I didn't make a mistake. I've been wonderful at those lately. I've also been wonderful at not blogging lately. The issues, however, that I could potentially write about are too much to admit right now, especially online.
So I'll say that I've been happy. I'll say that I haven't done too much thinking. I'll say that I don't need you. I'll say that I wonder if I need you that much. I'll say that I've been doing circus tricks. I'll say that I love my breast friend! I'll say that I finished season two of The OC, which contains the episode that the shooting SNL skit was based off of. I'll say that I'm out of words for now.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Pulling Through.
Suddenly, the past seems so trivial. What once made me hate and feel angry has lost its sting. It's positively amazing how things can change when I just give it time.
It's refreshing to come through the other side of anger and hatred. The Lord has made clear (again) that He's more reliable than anyone or anything earthly; although, He gave me some wonderful people to get me through.
So, onward, Katie! And take your true friends with you.
I pray I can be to them what they are to me.
And always remember this: God loves you more than any boy ever could.
It's refreshing to come through the other side of anger and hatred. The Lord has made clear (again) that He's more reliable than anyone or anything earthly; although, He gave me some wonderful people to get me through.
So, onward, Katie! And take your true friends with you.
I pray I can be to them what they are to me.
And always remember this: God loves you more than any boy ever could.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I wrote this one awhile ago...
Someone call a doctor.
I am a victim of Heartsickness. I have all the symptoms. They are as follows: over-production of tears, nausea, chest pain, and anything else associated with a broken heart.
It cannot possibly be good when the emotional pain becomes physical pain.
What is the cure for Heartsickness? And what is the cure for hatred? I think I'm starting to feel that coming on again. I thought I was immune but I feel it slowly eating away at my insides. You know, hatred might as well be a type of cancer. It spreads so fast and it makes you sicker and sicker. The battle with hatred is a hard one, and some don't make it. If they don't make it, they might as well die. What good is a life of bitterness and pessimism?
I wonder if I'm catchy. Should I hide away until I finally break into a thousand pieces no one can replace? Should I hide away until a cure is found?
I'll make it out. I'll be ready once more for any disease to come my way. I'll just be slightly worn. Maybe this bout will strengthen my antibodies for next time.
Hopefully.
I am a victim of Heartsickness. I have all the symptoms. They are as follows: over-production of tears, nausea, chest pain, and anything else associated with a broken heart.
It cannot possibly be good when the emotional pain becomes physical pain.
What is the cure for Heartsickness? And what is the cure for hatred? I think I'm starting to feel that coming on again. I thought I was immune but I feel it slowly eating away at my insides. You know, hatred might as well be a type of cancer. It spreads so fast and it makes you sicker and sicker. The battle with hatred is a hard one, and some don't make it. If they don't make it, they might as well die. What good is a life of bitterness and pessimism?
I wonder if I'm catchy. Should I hide away until I finally break into a thousand pieces no one can replace? Should I hide away until a cure is found?
I'll make it out. I'll be ready once more for any disease to come my way. I'll just be slightly worn. Maybe this bout will strengthen my antibodies for next time.
Hopefully.
It's Laundry Day.
I honestly shouldn't be writing right now when all my thoughts are jumbled, but I'm angry. I need to let it all out before I can find forgiveness.
A new development is clouding my charmed life. There is no way I could have escaped it without hurting someone. From the beginning, I explained my stance, leaving out one detail; the detail that I was not yet over him. I guess I should have said that, no matter how angry it would make you. But I was tired of you putting him down and building yourself up! It was annoying!
I specifically explained I did not want a relationship and that I was trying to tie off some loose ends. Therefore, I was vulnerable. Things were only worsened by the fact that you're effing FORWARD! In my vulnerability, I took your hand. And yours too. All that did was make things more confusing. The words, "stupid mistake" flew into my head. And yours too. I'm tired of stupid mistakes.
Now you're angry at me, but it's unfair and it makes me angry! I understand you're hurt, but you have no right to be pissed at me. We were friends before.
Hmmm...that sounds like another development working against my charmed life. I just need to cool off and move on. It's going to be hard and it's going to take time. I need to pray to forgive you. And you. And myself.
I wouldn't have been so angry if I had fed goats today.
A new development is clouding my charmed life. There is no way I could have escaped it without hurting someone. From the beginning, I explained my stance, leaving out one detail; the detail that I was not yet over him. I guess I should have said that, no matter how angry it would make you. But I was tired of you putting him down and building yourself up! It was annoying!
I specifically explained I did not want a relationship and that I was trying to tie off some loose ends. Therefore, I was vulnerable. Things were only worsened by the fact that you're effing FORWARD! In my vulnerability, I took your hand. And yours too. All that did was make things more confusing. The words, "stupid mistake" flew into my head. And yours too. I'm tired of stupid mistakes.
Now you're angry at me, but it's unfair and it makes me angry! I understand you're hurt, but you have no right to be pissed at me. We were friends before.
Hmmm...that sounds like another development working against my charmed life. I just need to cool off and move on. It's going to be hard and it's going to take time. I need to pray to forgive you. And you. And myself.
I wouldn't have been so angry if I had fed goats today.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
It Keeps Gettin' Better!
"A bit rash," her parents said.
But she had made up her mind. She was giving him back that beautiful necklace. Not in person though. She was going to leave it at his house. It'd be way too dangerous to give it to him in person for fear that she'd melt over him again. And she wasn't about to sell it on Ebay. He had to know she wanted it no more.
A kind friend, who agreed with this dramatic move, accompanied her. The entire thirty minute drive to his house was filled with heart-breaking conversation and Jason Mraz songs. All the while a voice was in her head.
Please. Don't let him be there. I can't see him now. He can't see me like this. Fuck him. I hate him.
She pulled into the driveway and waited a bit. Both her and her friend agreed it more symbolic to leave it on his bed.
Breaking and entering? Shady. No breaking involved though.
His sliding glass door in the back was locked. The small white door to the garage, however, was not. They climbed through and headed towards the door to the house. Again, unlocked. They entered the empty house and headed towards the boy's room. The beautiful necklace, in its box, was placed upon his pillow and her friend quickly fixed the unmade bed. With a sigh of accomplishment, the two girls left, hopefully, unnoticed.
The ride home was similar to the ride there. More conversations about anger, sadness, and the stupidity of boys. Instead of going home though, they went to a beautiful spot with a beautiful view. That was a nice escape for the both of them. Then the two went on to their separate depressing lives, but with some sense of peace.
I think that's how it went.
But she had made up her mind. She was giving him back that beautiful necklace. Not in person though. She was going to leave it at his house. It'd be way too dangerous to give it to him in person for fear that she'd melt over him again. And she wasn't about to sell it on Ebay. He had to know she wanted it no more.
A kind friend, who agreed with this dramatic move, accompanied her. The entire thirty minute drive to his house was filled with heart-breaking conversation and Jason Mraz songs. All the while a voice was in her head.
Please. Don't let him be there. I can't see him now. He can't see me like this. Fuck him. I hate him.
She pulled into the driveway and waited a bit. Both her and her friend agreed it more symbolic to leave it on his bed.
Breaking and entering? Shady. No breaking involved though.
His sliding glass door in the back was locked. The small white door to the garage, however, was not. They climbed through and headed towards the door to the house. Again, unlocked. They entered the empty house and headed towards the boy's room. The beautiful necklace, in its box, was placed upon his pillow and her friend quickly fixed the unmade bed. With a sigh of accomplishment, the two girls left, hopefully, unnoticed.
The ride home was similar to the ride there. More conversations about anger, sadness, and the stupidity of boys. Instead of going home though, they went to a beautiful spot with a beautiful view. That was a nice escape for the both of them. Then the two went on to their separate depressing lives, but with some sense of peace.
I think that's how it went.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
AND THEN!
Just when I think I dislike you, I like you and there's no reason to be mad. This will drive me crazy. You drive me crazy! I'm going crazy.
Crazy about you.
Crazy about you.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
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