I didn't make a mistake. I've been wonderful at those lately. I've also been wonderful at not blogging lately. The issues, however, that I could potentially write about are too much to admit right now, especially online.
So I'll say that I've been happy. I'll say that I haven't done too much thinking. I'll say that I don't need you. I'll say that I wonder if I need you that much. I'll say that I've been doing circus tricks. I'll say that I love my breast friend! I'll say that I finished season two of The OC, which contains the episode that the shooting SNL skit was based off of. I'll say that I'm out of words for now.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Pulling Through.
Suddenly, the past seems so trivial. What once made me hate and feel angry has lost its sting. It's positively amazing how things can change when I just give it time.
It's refreshing to come through the other side of anger and hatred. The Lord has made clear (again) that He's more reliable than anyone or anything earthly; although, He gave me some wonderful people to get me through.
So, onward, Katie! And take your true friends with you.
I pray I can be to them what they are to me.
And always remember this: God loves you more than any boy ever could.
It's refreshing to come through the other side of anger and hatred. The Lord has made clear (again) that He's more reliable than anyone or anything earthly; although, He gave me some wonderful people to get me through.
So, onward, Katie! And take your true friends with you.
I pray I can be to them what they are to me.
And always remember this: God loves you more than any boy ever could.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I wrote this one awhile ago...
Someone call a doctor.
I am a victim of Heartsickness. I have all the symptoms. They are as follows: over-production of tears, nausea, chest pain, and anything else associated with a broken heart.
It cannot possibly be good when the emotional pain becomes physical pain.
What is the cure for Heartsickness? And what is the cure for hatred? I think I'm starting to feel that coming on again. I thought I was immune but I feel it slowly eating away at my insides. You know, hatred might as well be a type of cancer. It spreads so fast and it makes you sicker and sicker. The battle with hatred is a hard one, and some don't make it. If they don't make it, they might as well die. What good is a life of bitterness and pessimism?
I wonder if I'm catchy. Should I hide away until I finally break into a thousand pieces no one can replace? Should I hide away until a cure is found?
I'll make it out. I'll be ready once more for any disease to come my way. I'll just be slightly worn. Maybe this bout will strengthen my antibodies for next time.
Hopefully.
I am a victim of Heartsickness. I have all the symptoms. They are as follows: over-production of tears, nausea, chest pain, and anything else associated with a broken heart.
It cannot possibly be good when the emotional pain becomes physical pain.
What is the cure for Heartsickness? And what is the cure for hatred? I think I'm starting to feel that coming on again. I thought I was immune but I feel it slowly eating away at my insides. You know, hatred might as well be a type of cancer. It spreads so fast and it makes you sicker and sicker. The battle with hatred is a hard one, and some don't make it. If they don't make it, they might as well die. What good is a life of bitterness and pessimism?
I wonder if I'm catchy. Should I hide away until I finally break into a thousand pieces no one can replace? Should I hide away until a cure is found?
I'll make it out. I'll be ready once more for any disease to come my way. I'll just be slightly worn. Maybe this bout will strengthen my antibodies for next time.
Hopefully.
It's Laundry Day.
I honestly shouldn't be writing right now when all my thoughts are jumbled, but I'm angry. I need to let it all out before I can find forgiveness.
A new development is clouding my charmed life. There is no way I could have escaped it without hurting someone. From the beginning, I explained my stance, leaving out one detail; the detail that I was not yet over him. I guess I should have said that, no matter how angry it would make you. But I was tired of you putting him down and building yourself up! It was annoying!
I specifically explained I did not want a relationship and that I was trying to tie off some loose ends. Therefore, I was vulnerable. Things were only worsened by the fact that you're effing FORWARD! In my vulnerability, I took your hand. And yours too. All that did was make things more confusing. The words, "stupid mistake" flew into my head. And yours too. I'm tired of stupid mistakes.
Now you're angry at me, but it's unfair and it makes me angry! I understand you're hurt, but you have no right to be pissed at me. We were friends before.
Hmmm...that sounds like another development working against my charmed life. I just need to cool off and move on. It's going to be hard and it's going to take time. I need to pray to forgive you. And you. And myself.
I wouldn't have been so angry if I had fed goats today.
A new development is clouding my charmed life. There is no way I could have escaped it without hurting someone. From the beginning, I explained my stance, leaving out one detail; the detail that I was not yet over him. I guess I should have said that, no matter how angry it would make you. But I was tired of you putting him down and building yourself up! It was annoying!
I specifically explained I did not want a relationship and that I was trying to tie off some loose ends. Therefore, I was vulnerable. Things were only worsened by the fact that you're effing FORWARD! In my vulnerability, I took your hand. And yours too. All that did was make things more confusing. The words, "stupid mistake" flew into my head. And yours too. I'm tired of stupid mistakes.
Now you're angry at me, but it's unfair and it makes me angry! I understand you're hurt, but you have no right to be pissed at me. We were friends before.
Hmmm...that sounds like another development working against my charmed life. I just need to cool off and move on. It's going to be hard and it's going to take time. I need to pray to forgive you. And you. And myself.
I wouldn't have been so angry if I had fed goats today.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
It Keeps Gettin' Better!
"A bit rash," her parents said.
But she had made up her mind. She was giving him back that beautiful necklace. Not in person though. She was going to leave it at his house. It'd be way too dangerous to give it to him in person for fear that she'd melt over him again. And she wasn't about to sell it on Ebay. He had to know she wanted it no more.
A kind friend, who agreed with this dramatic move, accompanied her. The entire thirty minute drive to his house was filled with heart-breaking conversation and Jason Mraz songs. All the while a voice was in her head.
Please. Don't let him be there. I can't see him now. He can't see me like this. Fuck him. I hate him.
She pulled into the driveway and waited a bit. Both her and her friend agreed it more symbolic to leave it on his bed.
Breaking and entering? Shady. No breaking involved though.
His sliding glass door in the back was locked. The small white door to the garage, however, was not. They climbed through and headed towards the door to the house. Again, unlocked. They entered the empty house and headed towards the boy's room. The beautiful necklace, in its box, was placed upon his pillow and her friend quickly fixed the unmade bed. With a sigh of accomplishment, the two girls left, hopefully, unnoticed.
The ride home was similar to the ride there. More conversations about anger, sadness, and the stupidity of boys. Instead of going home though, they went to a beautiful spot with a beautiful view. That was a nice escape for the both of them. Then the two went on to their separate depressing lives, but with some sense of peace.
I think that's how it went.
But she had made up her mind. She was giving him back that beautiful necklace. Not in person though. She was going to leave it at his house. It'd be way too dangerous to give it to him in person for fear that she'd melt over him again. And she wasn't about to sell it on Ebay. He had to know she wanted it no more.
A kind friend, who agreed with this dramatic move, accompanied her. The entire thirty minute drive to his house was filled with heart-breaking conversation and Jason Mraz songs. All the while a voice was in her head.
Please. Don't let him be there. I can't see him now. He can't see me like this. Fuck him. I hate him.
She pulled into the driveway and waited a bit. Both her and her friend agreed it more symbolic to leave it on his bed.
Breaking and entering? Shady. No breaking involved though.
His sliding glass door in the back was locked. The small white door to the garage, however, was not. They climbed through and headed towards the door to the house. Again, unlocked. They entered the empty house and headed towards the boy's room. The beautiful necklace, in its box, was placed upon his pillow and her friend quickly fixed the unmade bed. With a sigh of accomplishment, the two girls left, hopefully, unnoticed.
The ride home was similar to the ride there. More conversations about anger, sadness, and the stupidity of boys. Instead of going home though, they went to a beautiful spot with a beautiful view. That was a nice escape for the both of them. Then the two went on to their separate depressing lives, but with some sense of peace.
I think that's how it went.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
AND THEN!
Just when I think I dislike you, I like you and there's no reason to be mad. This will drive me crazy. You drive me crazy! I'm going crazy.
Crazy about you.
Crazy about you.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
June Gloom.
June 1st 2005 is a day, I kid you not, that changed my life forever. Four years ago I was a fifteen year-old girl with a sick father. And on that June 1st, the sickness took him. So now, I'm going to write about him because there's so much you don't know about my awesome dad.
As a boy and into his teen years, my dad was a trouble-maker. My dad was a handsome and popular boy who played many sports. He was the life of any party, and that continued all through the years. When he was 18, he signed up for the Navy and went away to Vietnam. My brave daddy fought in Vietnam while my mom was only 10.
In 1970, my daddy and his first wife, Dorothy had a daughter; my sister Michelle. Years later, there was a divorce and my dad went on to to meet a woman named Stacy. She gave birth to my sister, Lauren, whom I did not know until the age of eight I think. I am so grateful for my dad's past because it gave me two amazing sisters I'll cherish forever.
Then he met my mother, who was originally dating my dad's cousin. Weird, right? My mom and Tommy broke up, so then my brave daddy asked her out. Great aunt Mary then told my mom that she'd love to have her in the family. That is why my mom ultimately agreed to dating my father. Dating became marriage, and I came out of that.
The fifteen years with my daddy were full of jokes, songs, dances, breakfast dates, and "Doodle Bug" drives. I remember "family meetings" and "Butteritis". He supported me in everything I did and cared for me. He threatened to beat up the boys I liked, and always said, "No dating until after you're married!" We had our song. "Have I Told You Lately" by Rod Stewart. We were going to dance to that at my wedding. He was going to walk me down the isle and give me away. He was going to be there to see me graduate. He was going to be the sweetest grandfather to my children (Adventure Mraz, Salacious Crumb, and Thomasina Gumbo). He was going to take my husband golfing. He was going to be there for my baptism and my mission trips. He would be there for my heartbreaks. That's what kind of a father he was; a loving father.
In 2004, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. They removed his esophagus and he was clear. He started going back to work at Crest Chevrolet and he continued golfing on weekends. When he went in for a checkup a year later, the disease was back. It was in his liver, and the doctor said there was nothing they could do about that. My mom picked me up from school that day. It was cold and cloudy, and she told me in the car that he only had two months. She told me that he was crying and that he kept repeating, "My girls, my girls..." My mom, Michelle, Lauren, and I are his girls.
The two months they gave us was wrong. He only had two weeks from that point. I couldn't leave his side, but it was so hard to watch my strong dad be vulnerable and weak. The night before his passing was difficult. He was in pain, so a nurse came over to give him medicine. The medicine made him loopy and he ultimately fell asleep in his large, blue La-Z Boy. I tried not to sleep, but the nurse told me to. I finally feel asleep on the couch that night. In the morning my mom got up and she said she'd get us donuts. I ordered a cherry donut like always and then she went to get my father's order...
"Katie!" my mom screamed. I ran to my dad's side and grabbed his hand to wake him up...
"No, no, no, no!" Not yet, daddy, please. But he was gone. His hand was cold and didn't respond to my grab. I then kissed him on the forehead for the last time. The rest is a blur...
I'm jealous that the Lord now has his jokes, songs, and dances. But I still have wonderful memories I hope to never forget. It is a huge compliment when people say, "You're so your father's daughter." I want to be strong like him. I was to be funny like him. I want to be the life of the party! I want to be as loving as him, and I want people to know him through me.
In loving memory of Michael James Egan. April 23, 1947 - June 1, 2005.
As a boy and into his teen years, my dad was a trouble-maker. My dad was a handsome and popular boy who played many sports. He was the life of any party, and that continued all through the years. When he was 18, he signed up for the Navy and went away to Vietnam. My brave daddy fought in Vietnam while my mom was only 10.
In 1970, my daddy and his first wife, Dorothy had a daughter; my sister Michelle. Years later, there was a divorce and my dad went on to to meet a woman named Stacy. She gave birth to my sister, Lauren, whom I did not know until the age of eight I think. I am so grateful for my dad's past because it gave me two amazing sisters I'll cherish forever.
Then he met my mother, who was originally dating my dad's cousin. Weird, right? My mom and Tommy broke up, so then my brave daddy asked her out. Great aunt Mary then told my mom that she'd love to have her in the family. That is why my mom ultimately agreed to dating my father. Dating became marriage, and I came out of that.
The fifteen years with my daddy were full of jokes, songs, dances, breakfast dates, and "Doodle Bug" drives. I remember "family meetings" and "Butteritis". He supported me in everything I did and cared for me. He threatened to beat up the boys I liked, and always said, "No dating until after you're married!" We had our song. "Have I Told You Lately" by Rod Stewart. We were going to dance to that at my wedding. He was going to walk me down the isle and give me away. He was going to be there to see me graduate. He was going to be the sweetest grandfather to my children (Adventure Mraz, Salacious Crumb, and Thomasina Gumbo). He was going to take my husband golfing. He was going to be there for my baptism and my mission trips. He would be there for my heartbreaks. That's what kind of a father he was; a loving father.
In 2004, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. They removed his esophagus and he was clear. He started going back to work at Crest Chevrolet and he continued golfing on weekends. When he went in for a checkup a year later, the disease was back. It was in his liver, and the doctor said there was nothing they could do about that. My mom picked me up from school that day. It was cold and cloudy, and she told me in the car that he only had two months. She told me that he was crying and that he kept repeating, "My girls, my girls..." My mom, Michelle, Lauren, and I are his girls.
The two months they gave us was wrong. He only had two weeks from that point. I couldn't leave his side, but it was so hard to watch my strong dad be vulnerable and weak. The night before his passing was difficult. He was in pain, so a nurse came over to give him medicine. The medicine made him loopy and he ultimately fell asleep in his large, blue La-Z Boy. I tried not to sleep, but the nurse told me to. I finally feel asleep on the couch that night. In the morning my mom got up and she said she'd get us donuts. I ordered a cherry donut like always and then she went to get my father's order...
"Katie!" my mom screamed. I ran to my dad's side and grabbed his hand to wake him up...
"No, no, no, no!" Not yet, daddy, please. But he was gone. His hand was cold and didn't respond to my grab. I then kissed him on the forehead for the last time. The rest is a blur...
I'm jealous that the Lord now has his jokes, songs, and dances. But I still have wonderful memories I hope to never forget. It is a huge compliment when people say, "You're so your father's daughter." I want to be strong like him. I was to be funny like him. I want to be the life of the party! I want to be as loving as him, and I want people to know him through me.
In loving memory of Michael James Egan. April 23, 1947 - June 1, 2005.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Huh.
Friday:
A cool, drizzly day. I spent it with friends. I went to a benefit concert for Love146. What a great cause that I got to be a part of. What a great concert that I got to watch. Then we all went to IHOP afterwards and my anteater was punched. It inspired me to buy a guitar, so I'm going to. I've also been inspired to change the world, so I'm going to. :)
Saturday:
Wedding. My mother gave me her tequila shot. Then I spent that night at Kara T-Torbert's house. :)
Sunday:
Church, Peter Pan, Disneyland with Zach. :)
I think things are changing for me. Like, right now I'm hungry, so I'm going to eat. When I'm relieved of hunger, the feeling in my tummy will change. But there are larger changes happening and they're a little confusing. That's okay.
To the kitchen! Happy June 1st!
A cool, drizzly day. I spent it with friends. I went to a benefit concert for Love146. What a great cause that I got to be a part of. What a great concert that I got to watch. Then we all went to IHOP afterwards and my anteater was punched. It inspired me to buy a guitar, so I'm going to. I've also been inspired to change the world, so I'm going to. :)
Saturday:
Wedding. My mother gave me her tequila shot. Then I spent that night at Kara T-Torbert's house. :)
Sunday:
Church, Peter Pan, Disneyland with Zach. :)
I think things are changing for me. Like, right now I'm hungry, so I'm going to eat. When I'm relieved of hunger, the feeling in my tummy will change. But there are larger changes happening and they're a little confusing. That's okay.
To the kitchen! Happy June 1st!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
