How I Survived the War:

1. Step one: Wear the pants. I see where my problem began.
2. Step two: Say it. You are not needy. You are not needy. Right?
3. Step three: Patience. You are the stubborn mule.

I've never been the needy one, so why start now? Today I've decided to wear pants, and I'll wait for you to decide to need me. One day I swear it will be too late though; when I'm strong enough.

I keep telling myself how dangerous it is to rely on someone. Why don't I ever listen? I'm always here in your time of need, but in my time of need, I get through it without you. All I need is returned loyalty, and it's always been too much to ask for.

I look to God, because I know He is faithful when no one else is. He is faithful even when I am faithless. But sometimes all I want is a simple "Goodnight, Katie."

I'll wait up until the early hours of the morning for the call or the message. I can't sleep without it. I'll even forget how stubborn I can be and call you. But why would you answer now, when you never did before?

So I'll put on this façade like I'm only self-reliant and that I don't need anyone else. Because when I truly believe it, you'll probably need me. That is how I survived the war.

Until next time, General.

Anything is Mental.

I'm empty. I don't want anything or anyone right now. Nothing satisfies. Not food, nor social gatherings, nor a relationship.

Alright, I lied. The simplest things are what I want, what I need. Bike rides. One or two friends. Reading. Creating. Music. Dreams. Especially dreams.

On the outside, I appear to be full of angst, and it's trying to go deeper. On the inside, I have goals, thoughts, and dreams just for me. These fight the anger.

The cure for emptiness is love, and nothing else. It's okay to be alone every now and again, but humans were created for each other. We were created to reach out, and it's time I get on the receiving end. Keeping out what the world has to offer will never get me anywhere.

I'm not quite ready. But almost.

On a side note, Katie Holland and I are going to ride bikes through the streets of Paris, with guitars strapped to our backs. We can do anything. I can do anything.

Show some love today,
Katie

P.S. The Louvre is in Lisa's hands.

Thoughts from the Throne!

It's been such a long time since I've poured words on to this site. I'm excited to be doing so again! I could say that I've been too busy to write, but the truth of the matter is that I've been too lost. I've been lost for quite some time now.

I've always taken pride in the fact that I'm different from everyone else. I would also brag to myself about how genuine I was as well. A wake-up call, however, told me otherwise. I wasn't being genuine to myself. While I've been trying to keep people from putting me in a box, I was blind to the fact that I was actually doing that to myself, and have been for years. I have been skating through, hoping that things would just fall into place. But that's not going to cut it. My life can be anything I want it to be; it's all my choosing. I have no excuse for not using my full potential. I know that I have so many options, but I can never obtain any of them by sitting. No longer will my options be lessened by what my mind tells me.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
...Your playing small does not serve the world." -Nelson Mandela

No longer will I play small. I can do, say, be anything I want, as long as it is not contrary to the good of mankind, and it is for the glory of God the creator.

Now that I am more self-aware, I can be more aware of what I have to offer this planet in its time of need.

More to come as I explore new jobs, spirituality, and serving humans...

In liberation,
Katie

Untitled.

You taught me a lot about what love is and isn't.

Love is empathy.
Love is listening.
Love is honesty.
Love is friendship.
Love is really talking.
Love isn't fleeting.
Love isn't felt when convenient for you.
Love isn't the word.
Love isn't easy.
Love isn't you.

There we go, an even ten.
...Bitch.

Yesterday's and Today's...

The pressure is building and it's making me week; hence my sick body. I'm behind in school and I'm drowning. I need sleep. I need a doctor. I need to finish my work. I need a friend. I need help.
_____
On Friday, a resident complained about a dead bird in the laundry room. I went to clear it out, but it was still alive...barely. I cut off the strings and hairs that wrapped his (?) injured body and took him outside to die. When I realized that he wasn't going to die within the next few minutes, I placed him on a paper towel in a box lid and brought him to the RA office. Ralphie lay twitching the entire three hours I was in there. After my shift, a friend and I placed him on the roof of a bike shack because rules say that I cannot have him in my room. I thought for sure his end would come soon.

Around 2am I checked on little Ralph, who was still alive. Since it was cold, I broke the rules and brought him back to my warm dorm. There, his little body gave in to the 8-hour fight. My friend, Matt and I held a service for the resilient bird.
_____
Sunday was my sister's bachelorette party. I woke up feeling sick and was stressed because I needed to plan my program for Monday but I sucked it up and went to the Angels game. The game was fun; it took my mind off things and we won! Side note: I didn't know that Mike's Hard Lemonade was more alcohol than beer and I definitely had two...

After that the seven of us proceeded to ESPN Zone in Downtown Disney. The food was good and the service excellent (with the exception of boring ol' Dennis). It was at the restaurant that the "Bachelorette Dare Cards" cards were passed out. I had to dance with someone younger than me and get a guy to give me a piggyback ride. DONE.

Afterwards, we wandered Downtown Disney and I bought me a Minnie Chocolate Caramel Apple, which I enjoyed at a bar.

I experienced new things left and right. My sister tried to hook me up with several men, I danced to Brother Yusef, and hung out with 23 year-olds.

Towards the end of the night the sickness took me and I had to still plan my program. Back to shitty square one.
_____
Monday started off similar to Sunday's ending. I woke up stressed; I vomited my breakfast, and then made my way to class, only thinking about all the work I had to accomplish. Thank God for Jenna.

I once had this friend that I called all the time, but things have changed. He doesn't answer my calls, he never responds to texts, and he doesn't call back. When does he call? When he has girl problems or wants to share how funny he is. I guess I'm a "when convenient" friend to him.

I let it out with the intentions of getting how I felt off my chest, only to build more pressure. He's angry and I'm angrier. I don't need his friendship, I guess. I mean, I've been doing without it for quite some time now.
_____
Here I am now.

Flashcrap.

Scene: 2008. Country Club parking lot. Around 11:00pm.

Boy and girl have exited the quiet, serene country club. Boy grabs girl around waist, lifts her up, and twirls her around. After he puts her down, he walks to the middle of the parking lot and shouts, "I LOVE KATIE EGAN," into the dark woods. The tops of the trees capture the sound, but hopefully every house within a one-mile radius heard this declaration.

That movie moment, out of nowhere, flashed through my head. Made me dangerously nostalgic. My movie moments quickly turned into a soap opera.

Scene: 2008. Post-breakup. Boy and girl talk and are still "in love". Girl is at work and boy texts her sometime between 7:00 and 10:00pm.

The text said something about boy kissing someone, even though he had told girl he still liked her.

Next, girl easily forgives boy, despite her heartbreak.

Scene: 2008. Boy texts girl while she's at home (getting ready to meet boy) sometime in the afternoon.

The text read: I'm in a relationship with this girl...it just happened.

Yet again, girl is broken-hearted.

Yet again, girl forgives, but she is weary of their friendship.

Friendship works! Except not. Boy is unreliable and only talks to girl when he has other girl problems.

It's funny how things can change so quickly.

Go, girl. Get back on your feet.

She did.

Keep on Keepin' on.

During the second meeting of my Human Services class (one of my major courses), it struck me that I was on the right track in order to obtain a Katie-approved career. I felt more sure than I have ever felt before. And that was just the cherry on top of my already wonderful day. Ya know, one of those days where EVERYONE smiles at you?

"This is the major for me and I'm going to change things," ran through my head all day long. That, and "Make it Mine" by Jason Mraz.

Now, I am constantly reminded of the fact that my stunna shades and/or my driving glasses are tinted more rosy than most, and because of that, the world will not bring me down. The thing is, where I thought I'd run into more super glass-half-full folks, I didn't. The third meeting of my Human Services class was not as inspiring as the others, to say the least.

We began by talking about hope. To hope. My favorite infinitive. Hope. My favorite noun (besides "love" of course).

Then my professor asked a series of questions, "Can you change or help a murderer? Can you change a drug addict? Can you change a pedophile?"

To which I loudly responded, "Yes." Immediately I looked around at all the "No's". That was the rest of the class.

WHAT!? HELLO!? HUMAN SERVICES, THAT FIELD YOU'RE GOING TO ONE DAY BE WORKING IN? THE FIELD WHERE OUR VERY JOB IS TO HELP!

If you don't believe in change, how can you progress? If you can't see the better in a person, how can you help them? What's the point?

I didn't let this keep me down for too long. In fact, I realized that this hope I have is so valuable, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

My favorite poem:

Can you guess who it's from?

Who am I, By Jason Mraz

I am not my face. I am not my hair.

I am not my family. I am not my care.

I am not my upbringing. I am not my mole.

I am not my receding gum. I am not my cold.

I am not my money. And I’m not my fame.

I’m not my hat. I’m not even my name.

I’m just an idea that happened upon love. I am that I am and that I am is enough.

Grocery Listed Week Setup.

The moment I had waited for brought on by the word: Cranium.

A realization hidden deep within uprooted.

Is your daughter Liv Tyler?

Astronomical objects up the wazoo!

11pm-5am.

A bee!?

Work sucks.

You spilled your coffee, and I spilled yours. How adorable.

That gaze. That mind. Those arms. THAT HAIR.

60-unit ambitions.

"When was the last time you...?"
"Last night."
"This afternoon."
"Sometime last week?"

Masked and naked.

Jenna. Need I say more?

And finally...school playgrounds.

Too bad this week had to come to an end and school is starting soon.

Say what you need to say. -John Mayer.

I'm Miss[ed] Opportunity.

There once was a boy who made his way into my heart. He treated me so kind; more kind than any boy has ever done. When I was upset, I could go to him no matter what and he did anything for me. And it was always so fun to just hang out with him. I appreciate him more than I know.

One night, he came all the way to my house to visit me. He brought me flowers! A girl likes her flowers. Then he took the leap I never could; he asked me to be his. I was unsure and scared, therefore I nicely declined.

After that, we went our separate ways. Both of us had relationships and different activities that lead us further apart.

Last night came with many rarities. A shooting star, glowing red and yellow shot through the sky. I had the opportunity to see him last night and it was just like before. Not much had changed, except my answer to his question. Does he even carry around that question anymore, though? We were the only ones the see the shooting star.

I blew it, didn't I? The boy who is genuinely thoughtful slipped away. And it's funny that when I look into a boy for qualities I love, I look for his. Still.

I wonder what he wished when he saw the fiery shooting star.

Meaningless Extravagance; A Dedication to a Real Friend.

The Lumberjacks on Ball Road are wise. Their newest philosophy is: Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Without inspiration, we would have nothing at all. People who feel inspired are the ones that will make a difference somehow in some one's life. Those who inspire open the eyes of the world and lead positive revolutions.

I want to live my life as a beginner. I never want to grow numb of this life around me. With this attitude, I hope to be the inspired or the one who inspires. This way, I can hope to maybe save those who are drowning in a meaningless world (which is different from meaningless extravagance). When I leave this world behind, the greatest compliment I could ever receive is a very simple, "she inspired me."

And it is with gratitude that I remember the people and stories that have inspired me.

Like the movie Penelope. The story revolves around a girl cursed with a pig nose. As stories like this would have it, the only way to break the curse is by finding a husband, or so they all thought. Then there's this handsome man, but he thinks he can't break it because he's not "money" like her husband ought to be. He declines to marry her. Penelope is heartbroken and runs away, gaining her independence. In doing this, she inspires the world around her, even said handsome man.

I won't give away the ending, but I will say that anyone has the power to inspire. Don't be afraid to be different. You have to be different to make a difference.

"Leap and a net will appear." -Jason Mraz. One of the many who has inspired me.

Unexpected.

It's clear that you'll look at me like I'm stupid, everyone else has. But when loneliness and sadness is abounding me, there is one who picked up the pieces. The most unexpected one. I thought it a great escape from the mundane few days I've been having, and I was right. For five hours, there was never a dull moment, although the heat was bearing down on us.

On a side note, I now know that the Animal Park closes at six (and it's not open on Wednesdays). However, it is still peaceful there. And I did see three peacocks (which we decided is a rather unfortunate name for such a beautiful and colorful creature.

On a completely irrelevant note, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was fantastic and wonderfully made.

After those five eventful hours, it didn't end. Another one came around to put me back together.

Who knows what will happen next? I just know that it's good to have a life with friends again. :]

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

The moment I realized that I won.

The moment that I was free.

Why don't I feel that great? Why do I still care, even if I pretend not to?

And did I ever mean anything to you?

A-HA Moments.

I figured out how to follow blogs...finally!

I'm making a rough class schedule. Want to see?
Psych 110
Hist 170A
Poli Sci 100
Bio 101L
Theatre 160

Now it's time for me to write about what I've been meaning to write about, since I can't verbalize it. I suck!

You're mean and your humor is becoming so too. You're way too apathetic; therefore we don't have anything in common. You don't seek, you don't even try; therefore, you can't keep me accountable. You want more than I can offer. You don't understand me; therefore, you're not the first person I go to when I'm in a funk. This isn't fun for me.

Hopefully...

I didn't make a mistake. I've been wonderful at those lately. I've also been wonderful at not blogging lately. The issues, however, that I could potentially write about are too much to admit right now, especially online.

So I'll say that I've been happy. I'll say that I haven't done too much thinking. I'll say that I don't need you. I'll say that I wonder if I need you that much. I'll say that I've been doing circus tricks. I'll say that I love my breast friend! I'll say that I finished season two of The OC, which contains the episode that the shooting SNL skit was based off of. I'll say that I'm out of words for now.

Pulling Through.

Suddenly, the past seems so trivial. What once made me hate and feel angry has lost its sting. It's positively amazing how things can change when I just give it time.

It's refreshing to come through the other side of anger and hatred. The Lord has made clear (again) that He's more reliable than anyone or anything earthly; although, He gave me some wonderful people to get me through.

So, onward, Katie! And take your true friends with you.
I pray I can be to them what they are to me.

And always remember this: God loves you more than any boy ever could.

I wrote this one awhile ago...

Someone call a doctor.

I am a victim of Heartsickness. I have all the symptoms. They are as follows: over-production of tears, nausea, chest pain, and anything else associated with a broken heart.

It cannot possibly be good when the emotional pain becomes physical pain.

What is the cure for Heartsickness? And what is the cure for hatred? I think I'm starting to feel that coming on again. I thought I was immune but I feel it slowly eating away at my insides. You know, hatred might as well be a type of cancer. It spreads so fast and it makes you sicker and sicker. The battle with hatred is a hard one, and some don't make it. If they don't make it, they might as well die. What good is a life of bitterness and pessimism?

I wonder if I'm catchy. Should I hide away until I finally break into a thousand pieces no one can replace? Should I hide away until a cure is found?

I'll make it out. I'll be ready once more for any disease to come my way. I'll just be slightly worn. Maybe this bout will strengthen my antibodies for next time.

Hopefully.

It's Laundry Day.

I honestly shouldn't be writing right now when all my thoughts are jumbled, but I'm angry. I need to let it all out before I can find forgiveness.

A new development is clouding my charmed life. There is no way I could have escaped it without hurting someone. From the beginning, I explained my stance, leaving out one detail; the detail that I was not yet over him. I guess I should have said that, no matter how angry it would make you. But I was tired of you putting him down and building yourself up! It was annoying!

I specifically explained I did not want a relationship and that I was trying to tie off some loose ends. Therefore, I was vulnerable. Things were only worsened by the fact that you're effing FORWARD! In my vulnerability, I took your hand. And yours too. All that did was make things more confusing. The words, "stupid mistake" flew into my head. And yours too. I'm tired of stupid mistakes.

Now you're angry at me, but it's unfair and it makes me angry! I understand you're hurt, but you have no right to be pissed at me. We were friends before.

Hmmm...that sounds like another development working against my charmed life. I just need to cool off and move on. It's going to be hard and it's going to take time. I need to pray to forgive you. And you. And myself.

I wouldn't have been so angry if I had fed goats today.

It Keeps Gettin' Better!

"A bit rash," her parents said.

But she had made up her mind. She was giving him back that beautiful necklace. Not in person though. She was going to leave it at his house. It'd be way too dangerous to give it to him in person for fear that she'd melt over him again. And she wasn't about to sell it on Ebay. He had to know she wanted it no more.

A kind friend, who agreed with this dramatic move, accompanied her. The entire thirty minute drive to his house was filled with heart-breaking conversation and Jason Mraz songs. All the while a voice was in her head.

Please. Don't let him be there. I can't see him now. He can't see me like this. Fuck him. I hate him.

She pulled into the driveway and waited a bit. Both her and her friend agreed it more symbolic to leave it on his bed.

Breaking and entering? Shady. No breaking involved though.

His sliding glass door in the back was locked. The small white door to the garage, however, was not. They climbed through and headed towards the door to the house. Again, unlocked. They entered the empty house and headed towards the boy's room. The beautiful necklace, in its box, was placed upon his pillow and her friend quickly fixed the unmade bed. With a sigh of accomplishment, the two girls left, hopefully, unnoticed.

The ride home was similar to the ride there. More conversations about anger, sadness, and the stupidity of boys. Instead of going home though, they went to a beautiful spot with a beautiful view. That was a nice escape for the both of them. Then the two went on to their separate depressing lives, but with some sense of peace.

I think that's how it went.

AND THEN!

Just when I think I dislike you, I like you and there's no reason to be mad. This will drive me crazy. You drive me crazy! I'm going crazy.

Crazy about you.

Part Deux.

In my limited experience with dating, I've learned that boys are impulsive.

I hate it.

Gratitude Cafe.

Love.
Will.
Not.
Be.
Lost.
On.
Me.

June Gloom.

June 1st 2005 is a day, I kid you not, that changed my life forever. Four years ago I was a fifteen year-old girl with a sick father. And on that June 1st, the sickness took him. So now, I'm going to write about him because there's so much you don't know about my awesome dad.

As a boy and into his teen years, my dad was a trouble-maker. My dad was a handsome and popular boy who played many sports. He was the life of any party, and that continued all through the years. When he was 18, he signed up for the Navy and went away to Vietnam. My brave daddy fought in Vietnam while my mom was only 10.

In 1970, my daddy and his first wife, Dorothy had a daughter; my sister Michelle. Years later, there was a divorce and my dad went on to to meet a woman named Stacy. She gave birth to my sister, Lauren, whom I did not know until the age of eight I think. I am so grateful for my dad's past because it gave me two amazing sisters I'll cherish forever.

Then he met my mother, who was originally dating my dad's cousin. Weird, right? My mom and Tommy broke up, so then my brave daddy asked her out. Great aunt Mary then told my mom that she'd love to have her in the family. That is why my mom ultimately agreed to dating my father. Dating became marriage, and I came out of that.

The fifteen years with my daddy were full of jokes, songs, dances, breakfast dates, and "Doodle Bug" drives. I remember "family meetings" and "Butteritis". He supported me in everything I did and cared for me. He threatened to beat up the boys I liked, and always said, "No dating until after you're married!" We had our song. "Have I Told You Lately" by Rod Stewart. We were going to dance to that at my wedding. He was going to walk me down the isle and give me away. He was going to be there to see me graduate. He was going to be the sweetest grandfather to my children (Adventure Mraz, Salacious Crumb, and Thomasina Gumbo). He was going to take my husband golfing. He was going to be there for my baptism and my mission trips. He would be there for my heartbreaks. That's what kind of a father he was; a loving father.

In 2004, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. They removed his esophagus and he was clear. He started going back to work at Crest Chevrolet and he continued golfing on weekends. When he went in for a checkup a year later, the disease was back. It was in his liver, and the doctor said there was nothing they could do about that. My mom picked me up from school that day. It was cold and cloudy, and she told me in the car that he only had two months. She told me that he was crying and that he kept repeating, "My girls, my girls..." My mom, Michelle, Lauren, and I are his girls.

The two months they gave us was wrong. He only had two weeks from that point. I couldn't leave his side, but it was so hard to watch my strong dad be vulnerable and weak. The night before his passing was difficult. He was in pain, so a nurse came over to give him medicine. The medicine made him loopy and he ultimately fell asleep in his large, blue La-Z Boy. I tried not to sleep, but the nurse told me to. I finally feel asleep on the couch that night. In the morning my mom got up and she said she'd get us donuts. I ordered a cherry donut like always and then she went to get my father's order...

"Katie!" my mom screamed. I ran to my dad's side and grabbed his hand to wake him up...

"No, no, no, no!" Not yet, daddy, please. But he was gone. His hand was cold and didn't respond to my grab. I then kissed him on the forehead for the last time. The rest is a blur...

I'm jealous that the Lord now has his jokes, songs, and dances. But I still have wonderful memories I hope to never forget. It is a huge compliment when people say, "You're so your father's daughter." I want to be strong like him. I was to be funny like him. I want to be the life of the party! I want to be as loving as him, and I want people to know him through me.

In loving memory of Michael James Egan. April 23, 1947 - June 1, 2005.

Huh.

Friday:
A cool, drizzly day. I spent it with friends. I went to a benefit concert for Love146. What a great cause that I got to be a part of. What a great concert that I got to watch. Then we all went to IHOP afterwards and my anteater was punched. It inspired me to buy a guitar, so I'm going to. I've also been inspired to change the world, so I'm going to. :)

Saturday:
Wedding. My mother gave me her tequila shot. Then I spent that night at Kara T-Torbert's house. :)

Sunday:
Church, Peter Pan, Disneyland with Zach. :)

I think things are changing for me. Like, right now I'm hungry, so I'm going to eat. When I'm relieved of hunger, the feeling in my tummy will change. But there are larger changes happening and they're a little confusing. That's okay.

To the kitchen! Happy June 1st!

On Love, With Apathy.

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait
I'm your's
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate
I'm sure...

Great lines. But they don't apply to me. I'm not hesitating or making things complicated! It's simple; I'm not in a relationship, and I'm not looking for one. Nor am I even thinking about being in one! I'm taking this time to pursue God and what He wants for me. And I'm also taking this time to tie off any loose ends that still remain.

Why is there this terrible stigma about being single? I'm not unhappy whatsoever and I'm not in a hurry.

So maybe YOU should listen to Jason Mraz,

(...Open up your mind and see like me...)

and understand that you're clingy. Being single is fine. There are more ways to love than by just being in a relationship! Probably more on this topic to come...I'm now going to meet Jenna for a shmoovie. :)

Goodbye for now.

Wellp.

Save me. I shall be cleaning and trying to fit my dorm belongings into my house... good grief.

I had a great Sunday. I went to church and then hung out with some church friends. After that, I went to my friend's grandparent's house. THEEEENNNN I went to a friend's show with a friend. :) And there I saw many other friends. What a friend-filled day.

It makes me think that I have friends this summer! I usually feel like I'm the one who's like, "Hey, what are you doing today?" But I've only had to do that once! :)

Hot dog! I'm going to remember this summer as a good'ne!
I love friends.

The Sobbies.

I should be packing and cleaning. Now I'm writing. Wrong verb, Egan! I am also drinking a tasty Aloha Java (or Java the [green] Hut as I like to call it) coffee. Dangit, Egan! Wrong verb again.

Aloha Java. That's another thing I'm going to miss this summer! They're great.

One of my roommates has moved out. It was all so fast! She was chillin' and then it was like, "bye."

Jenna and I went to the Cheesecake Fac afterwards, and I actually found something I liked besides Cheesecake! That made me feel better. Not to mention that Jenna makes me laugh. She will help me through this summer. And feed goats with me. No one ever feeds goats with me.

So that's that and a bag of chips.

Syke!

Easily persuaded differently. Go me and my dreams. That's all it was! A dream! So I'm not bitter. I'm not sad though either. Whateva I guess.

It's Alright, It's OK! I'm so Much Better Without You!

At least, that's how I feel right now.

I don't want to go back. We can't go back.

And I've been doing a better job of not talking to you, or really caring at all.

Then again, that could be my bitter stage talking...

But as of right now, I feel you wasted my time.

I Look Stupid.

My first job: Baskin Robbins.

My first managers ever: don't really know English.

My first uniform: has icing all over it and my hat was given to me ripped. Not to mention my shirt is a Russian circus tent.

I work with a thief/stoner, two high schoolers, and a fellow CSUFer (who will be putting in her two-week notice soon).

The Baskin Robbins I work at is falling apart. My managers are broke. My checks are tiny and I get few hours.

My favorite is when my managers call at 6:30 to go in at 7:00. I mean, I love dropping everything I planned to do for work. Awesome.

I sure do love ice cream. :)

Summer, summer, summer.

In two weeks I'll be finished with my first year of college. This week I have a mighty paper due, next week is finals week, and then it's time to move out of my dorm. Back home.

Thing's I won't miss:
1.) Class
2.) Homework
3.) Tests
4.) Traffic
5.) Buying groceries
6.) Parking
7.) Construction
8.) Work

Things I'll miss:
1.) Katie Holland, my roommate and best friend
2.) The close distance to all things cool, like Disneyland and the beach
3.) The arboretum and its inhabitants
4.) The smell of my dorm, whether it was tolerable or not
5.) The weather
6.) The SRC
7.) Busy Bee
8.) Katie Holland and our adventures.

Next year I'm going to be an RA and a small group leader for Campus Crusade for Christ. I'm super nervous. I need to get CPR certified. I have a summer assignment! I hope I can handle it on top of school. I need to change my major! When do I make my schedule? I hope I get to room with Katie again! I wish Jenna could room with us! I wish...I wasn't going to worry about these things over summer. It's settled then. I won't.

I have to see Kara, Katie, and Jenna this summer. I have to do absolutely nothing. I have to work. I have to relax. I have to be a counselor for Camp TLC! I might take a trip to Washington. This summer might give me the answers I'm looking for. This summer might heal me.

This isn't fair!

Why is it okay for him to move on? Why is it hurtful if I do? Why do our issues get swept under a rug and all conversations end in a normal "goodnight"? He says he can't lose me, but other times it seems he can...

Why am I getting mixed signals? Why can't i decipher them? Why can't God tell me what to do?

It's logical to move on, but I don't fully want to.

In other news, my college's undie run is a-comin' and my breast friend and I are going to wear Depends and Nikes. Unbeatable combo.

Goodnight.

Windy Season.

There's absolutely nowhere to place my roots. Nowhere that can supply my limbs with the proper water supply and abundant sunlight. I spread myself in this wonderful soil that has slowly run dry and blown away.

Sometimes the wind blows it in and takes it away. I'm not sure if I should stay or seed somewhere else. The old earth felt like everything I needed, but I guess I wasn't enough for him. What is so aggravating is the fact that the dirt comes back, and for a fleeting time, I bloom again. I'm not sure if I can handle anymore shriveling.

I wish I didn't need him as much as I do. It's quite obvious he doesn't return my feelings, even though he tells me he does.

Unlike the tree I just described, I have the physical ability to go somewhere else and "place my roots". My only pickle is that I can't leave without my heart, no matter what shape it's in. It's still with him. And it's been broken, bruised, and battered. Hm. Alliterations are a bit uplifting. But I digress...

He says, "I love you," and I want to say, "I wish you meant that."

I wonder what his reaction would be. I wonder if it would make things clearer on whether I should stay on this crazy roller coaster or just walk forward. I'll continue praying for the answer to that...