Just talk to Him.

when i thought i'd finally become proactive in my faith, and that it would patch up the holes, the story shut on me. the story of jeremiah the prophet is one that i'd promised to read instead of following the heels of now earthly entertainers. i decided to first skim the pages; reading titles and the LORD'S spoken word, but as i went through the forty or fifty-something chapters, i easily picked up on GOD'S anger with the place of judah. HE compared judah to a prostitute and a donkey in heat.

for someone who is slipping away in her faith, this wasn't the easiest to read. for about a year now, i've been so lost, and in this confusion i have fallen away from love, from GOD, and from prayer. i'm not saying that in this time i have become an atheist, but i am saying that i have never had more questions than now.

when a pastor told me that a relationship with GOD was similar to a roller coaster ride, he was not kidding. sometimes GOD'S presence is eminent and obvious, and other times, i find myself asking about HIS whereabouts. a year of being in the latter stage is discouraging and eventually lead to my search for the lost gift of love.

earthly relationships never last forever. people leave, people change their mind, people fight, people move, and people die. this fact manifests deep within each human no matter what. when a very important romantic relationship* fell to shreds, i began questioning the "love" this boy spoke of. i truly thought it meant something that i continued to have feelings for him, even to this day, but i suppose now that isn't the case. if his "love" was not the same as my love for him, then this must not have been love at all. i began to apply this thought to other relationships in my life. being let down by friends, my father passing away, and knowing that soon the rest of my family will follow was enough to convince me that there's no point in relying on anyone.

i am told that GOD is the only rock, so for the hard times, i would cling to HIM while i was being barraged by rough waters. trying to hold on now is the hardest thing i've ever done. i have too many doubts and so much confusion that i keep getting swept away by the current. ultimately growing tired of this and refusing to pray (i will talk more about that further in this blog), i sought to make myself numb. this self-reliance has made me arrogant, i'm sure, in the eyes of GOD. my meekness and humility sank whenever it was that i decided to take control of my life.

giving over my life to GOD would require i simple prayer, and an open heart and mind. i feel like many times i have prayed for GOD'S complete and total control, so that i may live by HIS perfect will. but i suppose many times is never enough. as long as i am human, i will try my hand and making a path without the consent of GOD, which is why i need to constantly give it over to HIM. every now and again, this thought discourages me. the thought that my relationship with GOD is an unceasing up and down discourages me. ultimately, these ideas lead to my confusion and questioning, it was in this time that i gave up on prayer. GOD already knows my heart, why speak my sorrows, doubts, or even praise to HIM? now, in response to that, i can imagine someone saying, "pray to HIM because it glorifies HIM and HE is ever-deserving." HE is ever-deserving because of HIS love, HIS majesty, HIS creativity, and HIS bringing of life. as soon as i feel HIS love, majesty, and creativity i will thank HIM. i want it to be authentic gratitude and not out of habit.

so the questions are: how can i get back to the top where i am knowingly GOD'S daughter and i am with HIM? how can i humble myself to ask for help? how can i turn away from the sins that continually keep me in the fog? how can i feel HIS love and share that with others? how can i decipher HIS calling for me? will i be able to climb back up if i fall again?

i need to ask the LORD these questions, even if i don't quite understand the concept of prayer. and i need to, once again, hand my life over to HIM because HE'S not the confused one. i am.



*said romantic relationship is not the sole reason for my questioning and current state of disarray.