Curiouser and Curiouser.

I don't really know where to begin because I don't know where it all began. This need for freedom, rebellion, and out-of-the-ordinary isn't new to my character, but it seems to be new to everyone else. You all may find it so intriguing, but I find that to be silly. I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't like routine. I fear the known, not the unknown. Make me uncomfortable. Let me shake things. Understand that I want to tie the loose ends and start another winter scarf. Realize that I can't stand to settle. Know that I have priorities and dreams that are constantly changing. You can relax though; I'm slow. Actually, forget it...it should be illegal how fickle I am. I can't sit still too long. I'm naive.

The roles have always been reversed. The cliche tale of the needy woman who wants a guy that can't be tied down is not familiar to me. I like this state of deviation. I want to find my own path without the crutch. That's what relationships are to me right now. They're crutches and I walk fine on my own. Not to mention dating is scary. There, I said it. It is! It's scary! And now I sound like a walking contradiction. "I fear the known, but dating is scary!" I'm afraid of where it could go. I don't want to fall. I don't want to hurt you when I change my mind, or the elusive one comes knockin', ya know?

I don't want anything too serious. I want to take it slow. I might not want to be exclusive. I want nothing to hurt when I change my fickle mind for the umpteenth time. I want you to follow me where I want you to follow me, but I want you to stay where you need to stay. I can pay for my own food and open my own doors in a sense.

Where was all of this years ago? The attention? The compliments? The offers? Wait, I just had a revelation. If it was there before, I would've made a mistake, I just know it. That selfish time-to-myself sabbatical is what I needed in order to realize what I need. Which is more time. More selfish "me" time.

To the one who is unlike all the rest: You are a breath of fresh air even though I can't quite breathe you in. I would like to try though.

To the ones who are still hanging on to this tug-of-war rope: I can't snip you, nor do I even know if I want to. I can't ask you to keep gripping though. Good luck to you, ol' chaps.

To the casual date: Don't expect anything from me, even though I can't say no. I wish I could tell you how much of a mess I am and all of these bitterly honest words.

To the ones I am generally not interested in whatsoever: Just stop. Sometimes it's flattering, but mostly it's repetitive and I don't like routine, remember?

To the one I have yet to meet: I can't tell you anything due to the fact that I change my mind a great deal.

"It's been a long time since before I've been touched. Now I'm getting touched all the time. And it's only a matter of who, and it's only a matter of when."
-Regina Spektor

And John Mayer sings it perfectly with his song "Perfectly Lonely"

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little a kind of free
Nothing to do
No one but me
That's is all I need

I'm perfectly lonely
'Cause I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me

And this is not to say
There never comes a day
I take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs
That led me to a love so strong

That's the way that I want it.